#relationships

How to Handle Emotional Triggers in Relationships

You feel fine…and then out of nowhere you’re triggered. Someone says something or does something to you that has you spiraling. Often out of control.

Someone has hit an emotional trigger.

How did you respond? Did you say or do something you regretted that you can’t take back? Or did you feel it was justified because they hurt you?

What if I told you there is a way for you to handle your emotional triggers so that if someone said or did something that triggered you, you’d be able to recognize what is happening in the moment and create a different result?

What is an emotional trigger?

An emotional trigger is energy that you are holding onto from a past hurt. Someone said or did something to you that you didn’t like and energetically you are holding onto that experience or trauma.

It lays dormant in your energy until something reminds you of it and you find yourself angry, upset and often out of control. You are acting from that trigger energy.

The person receiving this energy from you often has no idea what is happening or why.

When you are triggered – how do you respond?

Do you scream, yell, throw things, run away. What is your response?

What is THEIR response? Were they shocked, hurt, upset, surprised?

Here’s the thing about triggers. People DO NOT know what your triggers are unless you tell them.

The majority of the population cannot read your mind. They can’t take hints. You have to tell people, I’m struggling with this, or healing this. Do not expect them to just know. You don’t know other people’s triggers, how can they know yours?

You can set a boundary if it’s a deep emotional trigger that you haven’t healed or started to work on yet.

How to Handle Emotional Triggers in Your Relationships:

1. Know your triggers.

You may not like it when someone takes your things, eats your food, makes a comment about your appearance, if you see any kind of abuse happening to another person.

What are your triggers?

If you don’t know what they are:

What did you feel last time you were triggered? Uncontrollably angry or upset
Why did what the other person do to upset you?
What from your childhood are you still angry and upset about decades later?
How does this affect your life today?

2. Tell your loved ones what your emotional triggers are.

Let those that need to know what your triggers are, how you’re working on it and how they can support you.

If they are truly there for you, they will support you and try not to trigger you.

If they intentionally go after your triggers, that is a relationship to re-examine. That’s not healthy.

3. Heal them.

Triggers are energy that you have specifically stored in certain areas to deal with later. The best way to start to heal them is to start to heal the energy you’ve been storing in that space.

This short video walks you through how to start to heal your emotional triggers.

Recognize triggers when they appear

It is your responsibility to keep your energy clear and aligned. No one else can do that for you. Emotional triggers are your SIGN that something has to heal and it’s coming to the surface so you can heal it.

You will find that this isn’t a one and done energy clearing. Emotional triggers are often stored in layers and they are removed in layers as it’s time for you to be free of them. How will you free your energy today?

#1 Secret to Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Are boundaries a scary thing for you to set in your relationships?

Boundaries have a negative connotation for many people. So instead of setting a boundary, they will ignore the problem. But what happens when you ignore your relationship problems?

They grow and you continue to get more and more frustrated. They become the big elephant in the room that everyone can see but no one talks about. This is a problem that does not magically go away on it’s own. Remember, unresolved relationship problems will continue to grow, they need to have an intervention.

As a Spiritual Medium, one of the fastest things I watch pull you out of balance is relationship problems. They affect so many areas of your life so quickly and leave you spinning. Literally.

Relationship problems affect your whole life but you’ll most likely notice them affecting your stress levels, how much sleep you’ll get and how much or how little you’ll eat. They can even affect your performance level at work and make you moody around those that are trying to support you. You don’t want your relationship problems running away from you and you can solve this with healthy boundaries.

What is the purpose of a relationship boundary?

Boundaries protect your energy and your relationships.

Boundaries let others know what is okay and what is not okay with you. Here’s the thing about boundaries, what is not okay for you may be okay for someone else and vice versa. But no one knows this unless it’s verbally communicated. Boundaries are not set in stone across all of your relationships. They are different with different people.

It is very important that you tell – out loud – not just in your head, what your specific boundaries are with the people in your life.

If you feel like you are being pushy or aggressive, I’m going to bet that it’s because drawing boundaries is unfamiliar to you.

There is NOTHING wrong with telling people what is okay and what isn’t okay for you. Again, if you don’t tell them, they don’t know. The majority of the population cannot read your mind and they’re not good with hints. They need you to be very specific and very clear with what’s good for you and what’s not.

If you set a boundary with someone and they ignore it or make fun of you for it, that’s your red flag that it’s time to re-examine your relationship with this person.

The Golden Rule – do onto others as you want done onto you – applies well here. Not only do you want to let others know what your boundaries are, you also want to know what their boundaries are.

What is the #1 Secret to Setting Healthy Boundaries?

The first step is to SET the boundary. The secret to setting a healthy boundary is that you have to ENFORCE them. All of them.

It is completely pointless to set a boundary and then not enforce it. At that point, it’s like you didn’t even set a boundary.

This is where I see most people fall apart is at enforcing the boundary and that’s why this is the #1 secret to setting a healthy boundary.

Let’s use the example of a child in the candy store. You tell the child they can have 1 piece of candy…and for some kids, setting this boundary is going to be a big challenge, but you set it anyhow for whatever the reason. Reminder – you can tell the reason for the boundary as long as it doesn’t come across as a justification for the boundary. Justifying your boundaries weakens them to the receiver.

The kid comes back to you with a bag full of candy. This is your telling moment. Do you ignore your boundary of one piece of candy or do you enforce it?

If you enforce the boundary and say to the child, “Wow, you found so many great choices. But how many pieces of candy are you going to get right now? One. One piece of candy, so let’s pick out the one you want the most and let’s put the others back.”

The child knows that you set the boundary and you meant it. If the child ignores your boundary and tries to have a temper tantrum for only getting one piece, you have to decide what to do to keep enforcing your boundary. Personally, I know as a child I would have gotten NO candy and I’m sure many of you can relate. Because if I kept pushing the boundary, then there was no reward for breaking the boundary.

But if you let the child get the whole bag of candy because you don’t really care or even worse, you don’t want to create a scene, they’re not going to listen to you when you set boundaries around the things that are really important. Like being honest and respectful with you.

Here’s the thing about boundaries, if you aren’t going to enforce it, DO NOT waste your time setting it. Don’t. You create more problems for yourself and the people in your life will have no idea what you actually want.

When you set a boundary and don’t enforce it, you didn’t set a boundary. Let that sink in.

When you set a boundary and don’t enforce it, you didn’t set a boundary.

You also set a precedent that you don’t mean what you say. Then this quickly becomes a very confusing game of do they mean this one or do they not.

Do you see why the secret to setting a healthy boundary is enforcing the boundary?

No one likes to be confused.

The more clear you are with your boundary setting and enforcing, the smoother things will go in your relationships.

What to Do When they Ignore My Boundary Enforcing?

Sometimes you will come across a person that hears your boundary and they continue to ignore you when you enforce your boundary.

What do you do in this scenario?

This is one of the most asked questions I get about enforcing boundaries – what do I do if they ignore me enforcing the boundary?

The answer is it depends on who this person is, what the situation is and what you want to do.

Boundaries are set to tell people what’s okay and what’s not. So if they’re ignoring the boundary and you are enforcing the boundary, it tells me more about them and the type of person they are.

If someone cares about you and you set a boundary with them, they should honor it. They want to be a part of your life and not do anything intentionally to upset you. That’s what people that really care about you want to do. They don’t want to cause drama and rock the boat to intentionally trigger you.

Boundaries are the hardest to set with family members.

Family knows you better than anyone else and sometimes they have a pattern of knocking you down and picking on you until you crumble. This isn’t okay by the way, it isn’t ok for anyone to treat you in a way that hurts you. It’s just more often than not, the people I hear struggle the most when you stand in your power and set a boundary is a family member who is used to having power over you.

Family dynamics are the hardest. Don’t you just love those family patterns, especially the generational ones! And this is followed by partners that you are in an unhappy relationship with.

Typically the most unhealthy relationships you have are often the ones that struggle with a boundary. If they’ve been able to do whatever they’ve wanted for as long as they’ve known you, they don’t usually want to change that. They want to do what they know, whether it’s healthy or not.

This gives you an opportunity to decide how to handle this:

Do you need to create more space in this relationship? And if you go this route, make sure you communicate with them that the problem is them ignoring the boundaries you have set. If you leave a relationship without saying why, it creates more problems and karma for the two of you to deal with later and I promise you, it’s so much easier to do it now.
Is this relationship still a fit for you? Is this someone you still want to have in your life. Why and why not? Get really objective and make a list and decide if this relationship was for a reason or a season and it’s time is up.
Do you need to sit down and talk to them? It is very possible that no one has drawn a boundary with them before and they don’t know how to respond. They may feel controlled. They may have been the kid that was allowed to get one piece of candy at the candy store but got the whole bag.

Remember:

Boundaries tell others what is okay and not okay in your relationships together. They’re good and you should be using them in all of your relationships.

The #1 secret to setting healthy boundaries is to enforce the boundary. While it is harder to enforce the boundary than to set it, when you enforce a boundary and the other person respects it, it elevates the relationship.

If someone ignores your boundary and you enforcing the boundary, it’s time for you to re-evaluate your relationship and interactions with this person going forward.

Who are you going to start enforcing boundaries with in your life? It’s time!

Now that you know the #1 secret to healthy boundaries, I hope you create more balance in your relationships.

Together ALL the Time Now? 8 Tips to Create a Happy Home Environment

You’ve been together more than ever before in your relationship. The access to all your usual activities has been altered which means you’ve been stuck at home together and you’re noticing all the problems. Has the house gotten smaller? Have they always gotten on your nerves and pushed your buttons? What new hobbies can they take up? Or better yet, what can you do to get away? There is a new stress on your relationship that being together all the time has brought to the forefront and it’s not working.

Here’s the thing about relationship problems, they don’t disappear if you don’t FIX them. They actually grow and often spiral out of control, creating new problems that make you wonder how you even got to that point. To take the stress off your relationship, start by effectively addressing the problems together with your partner.

Communicating your problems and needs isn’t always easy, but it is harder to fix this later because it’s grown out of proportion. Most people are not mind readers. This means that you can hint, tell others in the hopes they’ll tell your partner, or criticize them and hope for a magical change but it’s not going to happen. They are not a mind reader! To create a change in your relationship, you must communicate and tell them exactly what you would like to see happening. The clearer you are, the more likely you’ll see it happen.

Reduce the Stress in Your Relationship by:

Getting Clear – Get objective by going for a walk, doing a meditation, writing or yoga. What is at the root of the problems in your relationship right now? When did the problems start? How often are they appearing? What can you do to create a change and what can your partner do?
Creating a Space to Talk – Talking to your partner is just as important as the space you talk to your partner in. This isn’t something you want to do before bed, when they’re in the middle of something, or when there are distractions around. You may even want to let them know you’d like to talk so they can gather their talking points as well and not feel ambushed. If you both come together with solutions and willing to make changes, it’ll be a smooth conversation. Choose an environment and setting that feels safe for both of you. Pick a time that allows you ample time for the discussion where you will be uninterrupted.
Talking to Your Partner – This is the thing you don’t want to do, but this is how you take the stress off your relationship and move forward. The key to successful communication is to be clear, honest and focused on your goal of healing the relationship problems. Have specific examples of what is bothering you and specific outcomes on what they can do to alleviate the problem. There will be compromise on both sides. Commit to taking action on the things you both agree to do. Make sure to heal what has to heal in this conversation so neither of you feels they have to bring it up again.
Supporting the Changes – Make sure you create a way that you can support and hold each other accountable. It may be by reminding them that they’re doing something in the moment but because they’ve asked you to remind them, it won’t come across as nagging. Or you can make sure that you are doing the things you said you would, which will help self-motivate them to do what they committed to doing. The goal is to keep each other accountable and moving happily forward and to address it right away when either of you feel the need.
Holding Boundaries– Boundaries are important. They let each of you know what is okay and what isn’t. Your partner should know what your boundaries are and you should know theirs. If you haven’t talked about this, make sure you do. What was okay for a past relationship, may not be okay for this one – but they will only know that when you tell them what your boundaries are. Make sure you honor each other’s boundaries and communicate any problems immediately.
Having More Fun – Schedule in more date nights, self-care and spontaneity. You may try new things or schedule in more things you both enjoy. Focus on doing things that bring you joy individually and as a couple. The better place you are in energetically, the better you’ll show up in your relationship. Ask yourself, “What will bring me joy this week?” and do it!
Practicing Gratitude – How often do you thank your partner or let them know you like something they have done? What you focus on, you attract to you. Most couples focus on the things that aren’t working, but it’s a game changer to focus on the things that are working. One of the most important things you can do in your relationship is let your partner know what you are grateful for. It can be doing the dishes, doing an errand or for making steps towards the change you’ve asked them to make. “Thank you” goes a long way when it’s sincere and coming from a place of gratitude.
Staying Present – One of the biggest mistakes in relationships is that one or both of you don’t let things go. Do not hold onto past problems – heal them, solve them and let them go. Really let them go so they disappear and you have peace with that situation. In a disagreement, only talk about current problems. If you or they keep bringing up the past, it feels toxic and stuck. Focus on this moment and making the most out of it together. This moment creates your next, so if you are in a good place, you’ll keep creating good experiences.

No one wants to be around someone that is unhappy and it’s even worse when they don’t know why you’re unhappy. Being together all the time will amplify the problems you were able to escape or ignore before but they were still there. You just were focusing your energy and time on other things and this has brought them to the forefront.

If you find yourself complaining about your partner, you’re irritated by everything your partner is doing or you’re thinking about ending the relationship because of the problems you’re not discussing, that’s your sign that you really need to have a talk, right away.

Stop hiding from the stress and problems in your relationship and heal it. The only way to go forward together is to stop looking backwards. By communicating your concerns and problems you stop making bigger problems. The faster you address a problem, the better everyone will feel.

Your home should be your happy place. Your safe place. Let’s get it there again!

Ready for some support to shift your energy? You can find my books here. I recommend “Energy Awareness: My Guide to Balanced Relationships” for extra support.

Lisa Gornall is a Spiritual Medium, Healer and Coach. She is also an author, speaker and offers event support and coaching program support for your clients.

Lisa uses her intuitive abilities to coach successful women at or near their breaking point to reset. It’s time to find fulfillment in yourself and in your relationships. It’s time to stop struggling to get through the day and thrive instead. You can have it all and love this amazing life you have created. Ready?

3 Self-Sabotaging Patterns that Cripple Your Revenue & Relationships

Entrepreneurs are special people. They are driven, innovative and adaptive.

The problem is that most entrepreneurs find they aren’t really enjoying the amazing life they’re creating because work goes from being a passion to being everything without even realizing it.

They also get stuck in the mindset they had when they started their business and don’t acknowledge how far they’ve come.

What got you to 6 figures energetically will not get you to 7+ figures.

There are 3 Self-Sabotaging Patterns at the heart of your Success Wound that I see driving every successful entrepreneur that cripple your revenue and relationships. Get objective and look at what is driving you. Are you proving:

1. I Am Worthy

Do you find yourself trying to prove that you are worthy in your work and relationships:

Trying to please other people
You feel better spending money on other people than yourself
Put others needs above your own
Do lots of work for free or low balling it, trying to prove your worth and not feeling like you’re succeeding

2. I Am Enough

Do you find yourself trying to prove that you are enough in your work and relationships:

Buying yourself stuff isn’t the problem, you struggle with enjoying it – buyers remorse
You can put your needs first but find you can’t meet them
Doesn’t matter what goals you crush, the moment you meet it, you’re onto the next one. It’s like you’re on a never-ending hamster wheel and its exhausting…you don’t ever feel like you’re enough or you’re doing enough

3. I Am Love

Do you find yourself trying to prove that you are love in your work and relationships:

In relationships, you don’t feel loved or appreciated and you’re constantly seeking it
You feel bad when others buy you stuff. You may even find you can be an emotional shopper.
By putting others needs above your own you feel resentful and empty and have no energy left. Seeking love makes you feel needy and desperate in work and relationships

Reclaim Your Power

While these beliefs can drive you to increase your income at first as you are proving yourself, they become what limits your income and relationships because they aren’t creating the happiness you are seeking ANYWHERE.

You reach a point where you become a slave to the drive that is pushing you to be worthy, enough and/or love.

Your work becomes a place where you can prove “I am worthy. I am enough. I am love.” but you don’t feel better or heal this without doing the work within because even when you HAVE the money, impact and success you don’t feel like you have it!

You have to get to the root of what is driving you, nothing external will fix this long term:

Energy cannot be manipulated.
What you think and believe, you become.
I am worthy. I am enough. I am love. These are your Universal Truths. Anything telling you otherwise, has to go. It’s time to energetically heal it and allow it to be your truth. You don’t have to prove you are these things because you ARE.
Abundance is a focus on plenty and enough for everyone, not LACK.

If you are successful, you are successful.

BUT if you think you are successful and a minute later think you don’t have any money coming in and I’m going to lose everything or not be able to retire – that’s the energy you are creating. You cripple your revenue with energy stagnation. Stop putting the brakes on your abundance, this is messing with your money, time, relationships and energy.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Success

You can continue to scale your business without being driven to exhaustion anymore.

This constant drive to achieve more, do more, prove more is what I call your Success Wound and you can learn how to heal it here.
You are worthy. You are enough. You are love. Create an energy practice that you do everyday! This will help you connect with these crucial “I am” statements and create a shift in your income and relationships.
Reclaim your abundance mindset. You are an abundant being living in an abundant Universe. Stop believing anything less.

You have the power to make as much or as little money, impact and success as you would like. You can enjoy it or you can continue to operate from a place of lack.

Lack is a choice you no longer have to choose. Choose to live and focus on what you have and what you are, these are truths and they will change your revenue and relationships for the better: I am worthy. I am enough. I am love.

If you would like a daily reference guide to help you reclaim your time, relationships, inner game and energy, you can get it here.

Lisa Gornall is a Spiritual Medium, Healer and Coach. She is also an author, speaker and offers event support.

Lisa uses her intuitive abilities to coach career driven women at or near their breaking point to reset. Get your head, energy and life on point. Let’s get back to that freedom lifestyle you originally envisioned!

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